(Sorry, this post is really long)
As most of you know I have mostly been a working mom, but since we have moved I have been very fortunate to stay at home with my amazing kids. I love it. I love them. However, I do have to admit it gets really hard for me day after day to take care of so many little people that are totally dependent on me. I am not complaining, but a few days ago I absolutely hit a bottom. I don't know if other parents have those times too, but I was just drained to the point where I was no good to anyone including myself.
So... I decided to take a day off. Yesterday
Jez didn't have to work so he came home around 7:15 am from Seminary. I was packed and ready to go. Much to his surprise I was leaving for the day. He asked where I was going. I said I didn't know but I would be back at 5:30. (That's about when he gets home from his job when he works days). He looked a little concerned and was eying my pillow, but he was good to just let me go.
What did I do with myself for an entire
10 HOURS??? I will tell you. I brought a pillow and blanket (the high for the day was about 25 degrees). I hadn't slept well the night before.
Jez and I had argued on the way home from pack meeting about our children's lack of caring for the homeless shelter project we were working on, and our inability to control 5 young children in a church gym. We went to bed tired and weary and I cried missing my good friends (yes all of you) back home. I have so missed my grrls' night outs. We talked about anything and everything! (Seriously, some people would probably be really embarrassed or uncomfortable about some of our topics, but it's so great to have honest friends.) We laughed, we cried, we complained, we bragged... you get the point. I haven't had that since I left there. I also miss our babysitting swaps, girls' lunches, and yes even PTA. I miss seeing my mom every day at work and laughing so hard that we were crying. People must've wondered what was wrong with us. :) That doesn't mean I'm not happy here. I just miss my family and friends. I don't have close friends here yet, and I know that I am to blame. I have purposely isolated myself.
Anyway... back to my story. My first stop was at BK for a bacon, egg and cheese
croissanwich. I know, real healthy. But it was hot and the cheese was gooey and it was good. I also got a cold OJ which I don't usually buy for home. I sat in a mostly empty parking lot and ate my breakfast while I watched the sun coming up. The trees are mostly bare and the day was bleak and cold, but I found so much hope in that sunrise. Quickly after the sun was up it was clouded by an overcast sky, but that was
ok. It sort of matched my mood.
I had not only packed my pillow and blanket but also a tote bag full of books that have been begging to be read, my scouts bag, and my scripture bag. I LOVE to read and I started with the R.S. lesson that I missed on Sunday because I was in the hall with Julia... and
Treven. (Another quick side story... when you are walking in the halls at church and you see your son come out of the classroom with his teacher... it is usually not a good sign. I saw her before she saw me... and the only thing I heard her say is "
Treven.... It's not funny!"
Ok... not a good idea for mom to burst into a smile. I walk over and she explains to me that "it's just not working today." I just have to mention that she is a really soft spoken older lady in our ward. She asked if I could have a talk with him and then bring him back.... smile even bigger.... sure no problem, but if my mother-son talks were working we probably wouldn't be in this predicament. :) ... Too bad Jez was working and I was there alone with them... the father-son talk just might have worked. Anyway, I missed the lesson) I really enjoyed reading it. What I got out of it is this.
Knowlege is power. Christ wants us to gain as much knowledge in this life as possible. Satan wants to take all knowledge from us. Very insightful. I love learning.
I decided to write in my journal about my thoughts and it was good to put some of my feelings on paper. I hold in so much of my emotions that I just end up feeling numb. So I wrote and as I did I began to understand that I need to make a change. I have a need and deep desire to learn. Since I don't do that very well on a regular basis I decided I am going to get up a half hour earlier every day and read my scriptures. I also realized I need to write my thoughts more often. Just getting them out is therapy for me.
The next thing I did was read D&C 138. This taught me about the time between the Crucifixion and the Resurrection where Christ had ascended to heaven and taught the people in the Spirit World. The question asked was how did he teach so many so fast. The answer... He didn't. He was with the choice Spirits and taught them and organized them to go teach the gospel to those in darkness. It reminded me that our work will not end when we leave this mortal life. Sometimes it is hard or scary to find people to share the gospel with, but when we realize that we will be doing that very thing even after we die it makes it seem a little easier. Kind of like if we get a lot of practice here then we should be ready for our responsibility to teach when we get there. I made a goal to pray every day for opportunities to share the gospel. (I still feel a little reluctant, but with practice I'm sure it will get easier.)
After that I decided to go drive around for awhile. I drove through parts of the city where we live that I have never been. I was amazed and slightly appalled at the mansions I discovered. Do people really need a house that big??? I for one, do not. I wouldn't want to clean it, or pay for it, and I would be scared... but that's beside the point.
I ended up in the mall parking lot. (Yes I sort of had a plan for the day, but I was also flexible in case I decided on something different.) I climbed in the backseat of the van with my pillow and blanket and I read for just over 2 hours. I read a couple chapters in a book I'm reading. (Wake Up to a Happier Life - Amanda Dickson). It is a good, tell-it-like-it-is book and I have enjoyed it. It always seems to be that whatever place I leave off is exactly where I need to pick up the next time I read. A lot of what she said hit home for me. I cried, and prayed, and cried. It was so good to let those emotions out. I just sat listening to the wind and finally the peace I had been searching for came. I
journaled about it and set some more goals for myself. One being that I needed to get out more often and do something for myself. Another that I needed to find babysitters so
Jez and I could spend some time away too. And most of all I came to the realization that I needed to truly let go of things from my past that have been holding me back for so many years. My book talks about dead horses and that when you are on a horse and it dies and you're stuck... GET OFF the horse. I thought about my dead horses and what I needed in order to let go. I am grateful for the Atonement and I have felt the cleansing power. I have had experiences since I have been here that have once again changed my life and who I am. I have let go of hurt and forgiven the people who have hurt me, but when I get so stuck in the daily grind I allow the voices of the world to creep back in. I had let that hurt find a place in me again, and as I sat in the backseat crying that hurt began to fade away once more. She talked in her book about endless forgiveness and to cherish the precious moments we have with our loved ones. It was then that I really knew, and felt in my heart that I absolutely love being a wife and a mother. I knew that Jez and I are supposed to be together and that it doesn't mean chocolate kisses and roses all the time, but that we would also have hard times and it's ok. Maybe it's those times mixed with the good times that makes the journey worthwhile. I have taken my blessings for granted and it felt good to feel alive again. I knew that I could be the wife and mother I need to be. And I missed my family, but I wasn't ready to go home yet.
It was almost noon and I decided to take a walk in the mall. The walk to the front door was SO cold and bleak... but as soon as I walked in the doors everything changed. I was greeted by a blast of warmth and the smells of comfort foods coming from the restaurants. (Homemade breads and soups and steak...
mmmm) As I got past the food I could hear Christmas music playing and could see and smell Christmas. There were bright sparkly colors everywhere I looked and I could smell the perfume samples and candles. I passed the Hickory Farms stand and the toys and calendars lining the center of the aisle. I spent over an hour walking into fancy stores filled with beautiful, fragile trinkets lined on glass shelving and smelling countless varieties of candles. I walked past the
jewelry counters and looked at the twinkling diamonds. And not once did I have to say "Don't touch anything." It felt good to be a fully functional adult for just that small moment. I walked up and down the creamy marble floors that shimmered with lights from above and the dark rich
mahogany wood accents. The mall is beautiful, especially at Christmastime. I didn't buy anything but a Turtle Pecan Blizzard on the way out. :) I was quickly reminded that it was a little cold to be eating ice cream, but I didn't care. I sat in the van with the heater blowing while I ate every single drop of it. It was yummy and I got to reflect some more on my role as a mother. I realized that I don't have to feel guilty about wanting some time away. That in fact, I really need it once in awhile. I also was reflecting on the difference in the atmosphere from the parking lot to the inside of the mall. It is kind of a weird analogy, but it reminded me that we live in the lone and dreary world, but in time we will find the beautiful warmth that comes from righteous living. It also reminded me that there are times and places where we can experience that little bit of heaven on earth.
I read for a little while in my book "The Coming of the Lord" by Gerald Lund. It was thought provoking as I read the prophecies of our time and thought of them being fulfilled. It is comforting to know that we live in the darkest time on the face of the earth, but that we can find peace and joy because our Heavenly Father loves us so much. I also know that the peace and joy come from our righteous living and being able to push aside the ways of the world.
After that I decided to get a Beef
n'Cheddar from
Arby's on my way out of the parking lot. Once again it was warm and the cheese was gooey. I definitely splurged, but it was
ok. After the mall, and lunch I went to the library. I had to return a couple of
Jacie's books and decided to go inside. I found a few books that looked good and I found a comfy chair and read for an hour. The book was perfect to fit my mood and
pondering for the day. I even snickered a few times reading it, because of the "
coincidence." I checked out four books and went back to the van. (Yes, I went home with more books than I left with.) It was about 3:30 and I needed to still go grocery shopping before heading home.
I sat in the van looking through cookbooks and made a meal plan complete with shopping list. I turned on the radio for the first time that day and it was Christmas music. It was perfect. Our
Wal-Mart is about 15 minutes away so I enjoyed my drive (yes it was even on the freeway). I did my grocery shopping and
Jez texted me to see how my day off was going. I told him "fantastic." I was home at exactly 5:30 and I was so excited to see my beautiful family.
Jez had already made dinner and it was on the table so we hurried to put away what was necessary and then sat down to eat. He was so glad to see me (maybe relieved is more the word). I am so blessed to have him in my life. As we ate dinner I apologized to my family for yelling at them the night before. I told them how much I love and appreciate all of them, and of course told them about my day.
Jez was happy I was doing better and the kids just thought it sounded like so much fun they wondered when it was their turn. :)
I know this is really long, and if anyone is still reading... Thank you for being my friend. For being there for me when I have needed you. My life is good. It is so good to feel alive and well again. I have felt deep emotions the last couple of days and it feels great. I don't know if you have ever experienced the "numb" feeling I was talking about, but it's hard. It is no way to live. I know that my prayers have been heard and answered in the way that I needed. I also went to the temple here last week and it was very peaceful and serene, but yesterday I got to really search deep into my heart and soul for the hard answers I was looking for. So if you've been feeling this way... do what I did, and take a day off. :)
(I think it loaded Josie's sideways because she was laying down??)
This is an ornament of the St. Paul Temple
We made breakfast after we opened gifts.
Julia had so much fun she couldn't even stay awake 
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On top of all that they also had a raffle with prizes such as a 
